Fun In The Sun With The Dark Hand
by Batsie
Summary: JCA - Batman crossover. Strange. Hope you like it! Warning: implied adult content.


Disclaimer: this was written for fun. I do not own any part of Jackie Chan Adventures, Batman, Charmed, The Twilight Zone, or any of the characters or players from these shows. Furthermore, I do not own any eggplant jelly, Paul Simon songs, or muscle men.  
  
  
                         FUN IN THE SUN WITH THE DARK HAND

  
  
It's the year 2000--or is it 1968? Wait, it must be 2003...you are entering a story with no limits of time or space.  
  
  
"The money!" demands Tohru.  
Boris, Carl Nivore's chef and right hand man, presents an attaché case full of cash. Tohru was never good in school, especially not in math. Uncle will later teach him to count without the aid of his fingers, but all he sees at the moment is a whole lot of bills. Knowing that if the amount is insufficient, Mr. Nivore is the one Valmont will punish, Tohru accepts the payment for one tortoise, minus a hare.  
  
Later at the office…  
Valmont opens the case. "Tohru!"  
"Yes, Master?"  
"It would seem Mr. Nivore has overpaid by quite a bit. Good work."  
"Uh…thank you, Master."   
Valmont is not the type who saves money; he feels life is too short for that. He keeps enough for food and shelter, that sort of thing, but if he wants or needs something extra, he finds a deal to make or a heist to pull. Though his enforcers have only secured one of the five talismans they have been sent after, Valmont decides they all deserve a little fun. The freedom of a day away from the arrogant "oversized lawn ornament" Shendu would be equivalent to that of sleeping in one's birthday suit. Imagine, just you and your satin sheets. Lately Valmont spends his days cooped up in the hideout, with Shendu constantly nagging about talismans and the guys in and out. There is the occasional conversation with his enforcers, but for the most part, Valmont is a lonely man.  
  
The next morning…  
Five Dark Hand members stand before Shendu. Valmont examines a sheet of paper and announces, "It appears Jackie Chan is flying to France to find the next talisman. Now boys, Shendu and I are tired of being disappointed every time you return from a pursuit empty-handed. To ensure there are no screw-ups this time, I'm going with you. Come along now, we haven't got much time."  
The five men exit the office and take the elevator where Ratso hums to the elevator music. When they arrive outside, all but Valmont are surprised to see a silver stretch limo awaiting them.  
Finn: "Whoa, Big V, you ride in style!"  
Chow: "Not to ruin the moment, Boss, but shouldn't we have packed?"  
Valmont: "Taken care of."  
Valmont opens the limousine's trunk to reveal 5 pairs of swim trunks, beach balls, and other party favors. The five grin. "Shall we go, then?" He closes the trunk and after him, Tohru, Finn, Ratso, and Chow pile into the opposing back seats. "Gentlemen, we are taking the day off."  
They laugh and wine and dine-or brunch, in the long shiny car until they arrive at a ritzy hotel. Valmont leads his enforcers to a ballroom adjoining a room with a glass ceiling and a pool. When he snaps his fingers butlers, maids, and caterers enter with party favors, pizzas, covered dishes, and the swim trunks.  
  
Meanwhile in the lobby…  
Barbara Gordon is on a cell phone. "Yes, Alfred, I understand…Well no one will recognize me out of uniform."  
  
In the ballroom…  
Guests begin to arrive in swim gear and the Dark Hand members are in their trunks:  
Valmont- green with gold happy faces (they match his suit)  
Ratso - solid red (they match his eyes)  
Chow - orange with black sunglasses  
Finn - white with lavender polka dots   
Tohru - black trimmed in white.  
The guys examine the buffet. Finn takes three slices of Hawaiian pizza. "Score!" Tohru finds grape soda and cookies, and the others take something to their liking. Valmont admires his handiwork, having arranged this much-needed social event. The enforcers scope the scene for ladies. Chow notices the Halliwell sisters, all 4 of them, at the buffet.  
Ratso promptly objects, "Them? Oh no way. I used to live next door to them, had to move cuzza all the noise. You think Shendu is bad? I'm tellin' ya, there must be a different demon at their house every week. And the one on the left- she's dead. The one on the right's married with a kid, and that one-"  
Finn: "We get it."  
Chow: "Off limits…why don't we just sit and eat."  
Valmont: "Go ahead fellas, I'm going to mingle."  
The four enforcers walk off and take their seats by the pool. Just then, Valmont notices Barbara enter. He is astonished by the fact that a guest he does not recognize has made it past his security, and by her beauty.  
He approaches her. "Hello, I'm Valmont, the host of this party. And you are…?"  
"Barbara Gordon. I must say I'm disappointed that you don't remember me. I work at the Gotham City library… You returned something late once and I forgave it," she says, as she waves her invitation like a fan before her face and bats her eyes (pun not initially intended). "You put me in your address book, so you could properly thank me later, but you never called." Valmont knows she is lying, but he would rather not cause a scene and he is quite intrigued. She can tell he didn't buy it, but knowing he will not disrupt his own party, she smirks a little.  
"Of course. What book was that?"  
"Actually it was a map, on reserve."   
"Ah yes. You look hot. Would you like something to drink?"  
"I could use a glass of punch. Thank you."  
He snaps his fingers and a butler runs to him. "Yes, sir?"  
"Punch. Two."  
"Yes, sir."  
The punch is extraordinarily refreshing to both of them, but Barbara must remember to concentrate on acquiring information. "So, Valmont, I forget your last name."  
"It's Valmont."  
"Oh. Well, what's your first name?"  
"Valmont." He has always despised his parents for this, but he is unable to come up with anything to his liking, so it remains. This Valmont intrigues Barbara, but she needs to stay focused. Several arch criminals have escaped from the penitentiary, and though the Dark Hand is Section Thirteen's domain, crime circles are known to intermingle at times. The plan is to keep an eye out for these dastardly crooks, or to at least attain information regarding their possible whereabouts.  
Valmont continues his quest to ascertain the reason she came. "I must say I'm impressed. You're a librarian, and you flew all the way to San Francisco simply to attend my little shindig."  
"Not exactly. I was in desperate need of a vacation. I've always wanted to visit California, and when the invitation arrived I was… curious," she declares as the two gaze into each other's eyes. She continues, "So I booked a room here and… flew."  
Their glasses are empty and the butler approaches. "May I refill your drinks?"  
Valmont confirms, "you may. One punch for me and one for the lady."  
"Yes, sir!" There was something wrong about that request-a signal in Valmont's voice. A woman's intuition tells Barbara that there will be an extra ingredient in her drink.  
His next request makes her even more wary. "It's getting to be rather noisy in here. What do you say we continue this conversation in private?"  
"Sure." Barbara is playing along to see what she can find out. Beyond her content exterior she is appalled, but not worried. As Batgirl she fights maybe ten men per week, and if need be, she won't have any trouble fighting this one. Upon entering the elevator Barbara purposefully trips and drops her drink.  
At this Valmont is distressed. "Oh no. Did you just twist your ankle?"  
"No, I'm fine."  
"Good." He appears to be indifferent about the drink; perhaps it was clean after all.  
Barbara leads Valmont to her room. They sit and chat and find themselves deeply infatuated rather quickly. After watching him swallow the first sip, she accepts his offer to share the remaining glass of punch. Eventually the cup holds only two straws, and both individuals feel themselves tiring. Barbara thinks to herself, "how could I have been so stupid? He's probably built an immunity to…whatever was in there." Cordiality is part of her nature. "Excuse me." Barbara locks herself in the bathroom, lies down in the tub, and falls asleep.  
The librarian begins to dream, but this one is different; it almost feels real. Barbara observes the backyard she has always wanted. She takes in the sweet smell of her perfect flowers and begins to float. This is too good to be true. Barbara comes close to pinching herself when she suddenly hears Valmont's voice. "Do you really want to wake up?"  
As she flies to him both individuals try to understand their attraction. Maybe it's the way her short, dark, glossy hair contrasts the albinism reflected in his ponytail. Perhaps it's the fact that she is a crime fighter and he is a crime lord. Could it be the grace with which each of them walks? No, the magnetism is generated by their mutual yearning for something solid and permanent-something with only a touch of mystery and no masks to hide behind.  
Barbara meets Valmont at the gate. "You planned this. How did you get into my dream?"  
He opens his hand, revealing the sheep talisman. "Magic, my dear Barbara. Magic. I was hoping you would be pleased. I've certainly taken your vacation to a level far beyond what you would have expected. Of course, you can wake yourself at any time…" A red iris protrudes from an opening in the chain link fence. Valmont picks it and hands it to Barbara. "…or you can stay here with me." His eyes manifest tenderness and a hint of desperation. Consumed by them, she invites him into her garden of ecstasy.  
*******************************************  
Tohru sleeps in a lounge chair next to an empty glass and a plate covered with crumbs. The other three enforcers sit next to him sunbathing before the pool, admiring the scene, delighted by the fact that everyone at this party is half dressed.  
Chow: "Aw, man. Do I really have to choose?"  
Finn: "I know, there are so many hot-"  
Catwoman walks into the pools room, followed by The Siren, Minerva, and Marsha, the queen of diamonds. Having flown in from Gotham, they checked into a four-bedroom suite upstairs.  
Ratso: "Now that's what I'm talkin' about."  
The Siren pauses and sings a note two octaves above high C. Now every man in the room will do as she commands. She approaches Tohru. Though he is asleep, he could hear her call in his dreams. She wakes him with a start. "You! You will serve me."  
"What is it you desire, Master?"  
"Fudge nutties and grape soda. No ice."  
"As you wish."  
"Everyone else, as you were."  
Tohru kneels before her with the order, but she will not consume it here. "Come with me." Under The Siren's spell a man will do as he is told and believe the most blatant of her lies. His will is affected, but his passions are not. As The Siren leads Tohru to her room, he admires her silver dress, horizontal beehive coif, and everything else about her that he can take in. When they arrive she sits on the bed and once again, Tohru kneels before her. "Thank you, Darling." She uses his hands as trays, leaving one cookie on the plate and the glass empty. "Mmm… so sweet. Like you. Tell me your name."  
"Tohru."  
She feeds him the cookie and sets the dish on the nightstand. Next, she makes her way around him, kneeling to rest her head on his shoulder. "You're under my spell, Tohru."  
He chuckles. "I know."  
She removes the object that grips his ponytail and begins running her fingers through his hair. "You know, Tohru, others in your situation always have a sort of… stunned expression, but you're smiling."  
"You have a beautiful voice."  
"Indeed, I do."  
"Would it be too great of a request if I were to ask your name?"  
"It's Lorelei Circe, but most people call me Siren."  
"Am I most people?"  
"Well let's see… most people don't have hair as soft as yours…" she continues to stroke his hair with one hand, while the other wanders to his upper arm. "Most people aren't as strong as you… most people aren't as big and handsome…" she kisses him and gently pushes him to the floor. "I'm going to take advantage of you now, Tohru."  
"Yes, Master."  
*********************************************  
Chow, Ratso, and Finn wake from the spell.  
Chow: "Where'd Tohru go? He was right there, sleep."  
Finn: "Freaky."  
Ratso: "That lady in silver's gone, too."  
Finn: "Speakin' of lady…"  
The criminals from Gotham, sans Siren, stroll past the enforcers. At that moment, a ball from the pool hits Marsha in the arm and knocks her down, but Ratso breaks her fall. She scrambles to get up as Minerva and Catwoman laugh at her predicament. Once on her feet Marsha glares at her two cohorts. They continue on their path to three male models when Ratso notices something on his chest. The thug would normally keep such an item for himself, but he had an unfounded urge to return it to its rightful owner.  
"Excuse me. You dropped your… uh… bracelet."  
Marsha turns around, hiding her humiliation with an angry visage. She snatches the bracelet from Ratso's fingers just before noticing his eyes. They are red, the most rare and valuable color for a diamond. Never before has Marsha seen a human being with red eyes; she is fascinated. The self-proclaimed queen if diamonds cannot help to stand there and stare.   
Minerva pokes her in the arm. "Wake up, Darling."  
Marsha responds in a daze. "This man…"  
Finn: "He's with us."   
Minerva: "We were just on our way-"   
Marsha: "To this very spot."  
Catwoman: "Actually I was thinking of going for a swim." Cats hate water, but Catwoman does not want to stay here, nor does she want to be left alone to flirt with three muscle men. She needs something to cool her jets, and pool water will do just fine.  
Finn: "I'm cool with that." He follows her to the steps that lead into the pool.   
Minerva is somewhat concerned about Marsha, so she decides to keep an eye on her by talking to Chow. "Hello, Darling."   
Chow kisses her hand. "Pleased to make your acquaintance."  
Marsha continues to gape at Ratso's eyes. He thinks she is very pretty, but this whole staring thing is creeping him out. He doesn't want her to leave, but if they don't start talking soon, he just might scream and run away. Ratso has got to think of something to say fast. "I like your swimsuit."   
"You like diamonds?"   
"You mean like baseball diamonds? I like baseball."  
Marsha waves her bracelet before Ratso's face. "I mean like these diamonds." Diamonds are all she is wearing, except for the sterling silver that binds them to form a one-piece swimsuit, a necklace, anklets, bracelets, a tiara, and flip-flops. Yes, she's got diamonds on the soles of her shoes.   
As the bracelet swings, Ratso sees all the visible colors of the spectrum at once. "Ah, pretty colors."  
She begins to explain the science behind the "pretty colors," and to display the different types of cuts. He is riveted by this information, all the while thinking the stones would not look as nice if worn by anyone else. She is enjoying herself, for she gets to demonstrate her wisdom whilst gazing into Ratso's eyes. This goes on as Chow tells Minerva about his work with the Dark Hand.   
At the same time, Finn decides to introduce himself to Catwoman. "Haven't I seen you on TV? Catwoman, right?" She glares at him. "Don't worry, Doll, everybody here is wanted. Besides, I would never turn in a classy lookin' babe like you."  
Catwoman dislikes the way he is looking at her. "Pool water shall give me a purr-fect cat-tharsis."   
Finn has no idea what that means. "Uh, right. Anyway, I'm Finn of the Dark Hand. It's nice to meet you."  
Three women approach the models, turning Catwoman green-eyed. "You know, Finn, cats eat fish." She turns her back to him and steps into the pool, which is getting a bit crowded.  
Finn throws his hand in front of his heart. "Ouch!" He returns to his chaise to sulk. Catwoman is pushed through the crowd to the deep end of the pool. Swimming always appeared to her as an easy task, and since she hates water, she never bothered to learn how to do it. Now she finds herself struggling to keep her head above the water, and no one takes notice as she goes under.  
Finn watches the clouds in a futile attempt to drown out the conversations next to him. He thinks, "those guys are being so polite. Maybe I shouldn't have called her 'doll.'" Finn decides to find Catwoman and apologize. He might even be able to get a date with her, if only they can start over. He scans the surface of the pool and cannot find her. "Hmh, that's funny." He stands up and perceives the immobile image of a woman dressed in black at the bottom of the pool. "Oh no!" He dives in and pulls her out of the water. Afraid of what she might look like, he turns his head and sobs. After a brief moment, he notices movement next to him, and a ravishing voice.  
"I believe you have salvaged my eight remaining lives." She sounds different.  
He ceases to weep and looks up, surprised. Not only because Catwoman is alive and well, but primarily because the Julie Newmar look-alike that he followed to the pool has been transformed into Eartha Kitt. Finn knows only one word to describe her: "psychedelic!"  
"I failed to purr-cieve your name."  
"Finnian Finnegan. Call me Finn."  
"If not for you, Finn, things may have been cat-aclysmic for my residual lives."  
"Uh, don't mention it… Say, that's a swingin' medallion you got there."  
"And I find yours purr-fectly cool, Daddio." She rims her finger about the edge of his medallion, giving him goose bumps.  
"Whoa, you're groovy."  
"And your essence purr-vades my every nerve."  
"Is that good?"  
She sets her hand on his head and nestles her own against his neck, just like a cat. "What do you think?"  
He puts his arm around her and smiles.  
**************************************************  
Marsha continues her conversation with Ratso while Chow feeds an earful to Minerva about the Dark Hand, his troubles with Shendu and Jackie Chan, and his overbearing boss. Though a dastardly criminal, Minerva is a very good listener. "Sounds stressful, Darling." She can tell by the way he lounges in his chaise that his muscles ache. "Listen, Chow, I think you should come with me, Darling." She stands and offers her hand.  
"OK, where we going?"  
"Just follow me."  
Minerva and Chow are the only two in the elevator. She decides this enclosure yields appropriate privacy for a revelation. "Do you like eggplant, Darling?"  
"Sure, why?"  
"I'm going to give you an eggplant jelly massage."  
Eggplant, jelly, and massage are three words that Chow would never think to put in a sentence together. However the word 'massage' takes precedence over the others, and he is willing to undergo anything unusual that may accompany one. When the two enter the suite, they hear zealous singing from the next room, and the suite is almost as beautiful as the music. Minerva takes Chow into her room; he is overwhelmed by the setting. "Wow, this is extraordinary! I feel like I'm in a Zsa Zsa Gabor film."  
"You are, Darling."  
"Huh?"  
"Come, sit on the bed, I'll be right back."  
She goes into the bathroom to mix ingredients. Upstairs is a very loud snoring, which, other than being in a bathroom, sounds rather odd. Minerva comes out with a large jar encasing a bizarre-looking gel. She sets up a massage table from her suitcase and invites Chow to climb aboard. Minerva then dispenses eggplant jelly onto Chow's back. She knows exactly how much pressure to use on every part of his body to make him feel beyond good. The snoring upstairs becomes audible in Minerva's bedroom just before it metamorphoses into moaning by way of a female voice. Chow cannot help expressing his pleasure in the same manner. The cries gradually become louder and synchronized. Minerva is amuses by this; she decides to work Chow up to a scream. Her hands work their way up his body, from his Achilles' tendons to the backs of his shins, then to the small of his back. The volume decreases slightly here, as Minerva expected it would. Once Chow catches his breath Minerva continues her way upward. She skips to his shoulder/clavicle area, and then back to his waist. Moist pressure reaches the scapulae and coinciding screams of glee are hurled from the lips of both the enforcer on the table and the sleeping librarian in the bathtub upstairs, while the Siren hits her highest note-two octaves above high G. The euphoria is too much for Chow to handle and he loses consciousness.  
In all the commotion Minerva is the most regaled, so she sits on the bed for a brief lull. Meanwhile Barbara falls into a deeper sleep. Valmont takes his exit and re-enters his own body. He sits up in a cold sweat, having come to a dreadful realization. There is no doubt Barbara is a force for the good side. They both know that if he were to leave any contact information, it would be her duty to turn him in. He can easily find her with a name and a city, but the truth is there is no place for them in the tangible world. The head of an international crime syndicate and the daughter of a police commissioner cannot be seen together, by anyone, anywhere. He desperately wants to touch her one last time- to take her hand and kiss her forehead, but to pick the lock would be to break her trust. She would feel him and know he had crossed her protective barrier. Instead he kneels by the door and rests his hand on it, as if reaching through. When she wakes up he will be long gone.  
Minerva greets Valmont as he enters the elevator. They feel connected somehow, but they will never ascertain why. The doors part on the ground level, and the two see fellow outlaws running away. Valmont peeks into the ballroom to find his party being broken up by shadowkhan. "Blast!" Five ninjas surround him and reclaim the sheep. He will borrow it again; even Shendu needs sleep. Valmont anticipates punishment-a dragon's threats and flames shooting above his head. The idea is frightful, but not as fearsome as the thought of never seeing Barbara again. Valmont disappears with shadowkhan to endure a sorcerer's vengeance.  
Barbara awakens two hours later, uncertain as to whether or not the occurrence actually occurred. She is afraid to find a letter; any data on how to reach Valmont would obligate her to turn her new companion over to the proper authorities. Even so, her thoughts conclude that she would rather see him behind bars than never see him again. The librarian looks around and finds a somewhat pleasant surprise: a piece of paper on the nightstand. Barbara takes the note and reads: In your dreams, Love. In your dreams.  
  



End file.
